show, don't tell met een verward personage

Wat ik probeerde te doen is het gevoel geven van afwezigheid en verwarring. Om wat context te geven, het is een fantasy verhaal waarin de hoofdpersoon net midden in een ramp zat. Ze is bij zinnen gekomen, en is aan het verkennen waar ze is. Voorafgaand aan dit stuk is nog een intern monoloog waarin ze zich afvraagt wat er is gebeurt. Ik pakte specifiek dit stuk er uit omdat dit eigenlijk heel veel 'tell' is, er is weinig wat zich echt afspeelt in het hoofd van Ryd aangezien ze in soort lichte shock zit. Ik zou graag horen wat jullie tips zijn om haar gevoel meer naar voren te laten komen. Ryd yelled loudly, a scream that went echoing through the halls. Nothing anyone could make sense of, every noise she made was just the loudest sound she managed to produce. All she needed to do was get someone to hear her, someone to notice she was stuck. Her sight had disappeared by now, no light, no more shadows, nothing. She only saw grey, the grey of the dust floating in the air and the dust settled on everything around her. After what felt like a lifetime, she felt a cold air running over her face. A cold feeling moving from her feet to the top of her head. A breeze, a refreshing breeze. Bit by bit the smoke cleared, she could see further end used this moment right away to look at as much as possible around her. She was in one of the toilets, and there indeed was a metal beam on top of her, which made her unable to move. Her eyes moved down, looking towards her feet as much as she could, wondering what could have caused the breeze. She saw nothing but a silhouette in the remaining dust, a silhouette of something she never saw before in her life, a silhouette that seems to have seen her long before she saw it. The thing slowly walked closer, a thing of only darkness. Her eyes felt like they couldn’t even close for a mere blink as the figure came closer to her. She felt the breeze radiating from it, she felt a frightening pressure that only grew stronger. Her breathing got shallow and rapid, her mind wanting to scream but her throat not allowing any sound. The figure was close, close enough to see structure in the darkness, slight structure. At that moment the environment changed, there was no more grey, there was no more dust. Ryd took a deep breath and stood up, as if nothing had ever happened, no pain, no injuries. Her eyes moved around the place, it was dark, a darkness that even a starless night couldn’t match. Yet there were things, rocks, trees, a lake. She couldn’t see anything, but she still felt like she could. Just as she wanted to explore, she returned to a place where she was clouded by dust, back in the grey hell. She looked down at her feet, blinking in awe. She was standing, standing on her own two feet. Right away her gaze moved up as her body turned in various directions, looking where she was. ‘That board… that door… that means, I’m at the entrance… the main entrance of the building.’ Slowly she took a step, and another, and another. While shaken, she could walk, she didn’t know what had happened, but she walked.